Unprepared

At first, I blame it on my own sensitivity. I think too much and read too deeply into things and was picking up the wrong signals too easily. As a result, it led me into a state of self-doubt and unhappiness. It made the ugly side of me come to surface where negative emotions are becoming a constant state of mind. This state of mind gets triggered by everything possible, no matter how little. It's as though invisible landmines are all around me or to get stuck in some old well that's full of snakes. All my effort seems futile and all action seems to become personal (personal attack?) and it affected my mood.

I have spent months trying to resolve this unhappiness. I thought hard, I dwelled upon it, I got frustrated over it, I tried to rationalise to make sense of it all. It worked for a while but it's inching back a little every once in awhile.

I launched a series of self-blame... (or at least that's what my husband observed)... on myself wondering what I've done wrong or could've done better. In a way, I found new methods and improved but the root to the problem has yet to be solved.

Yes it's true that one could not possible solve everything and when that happens, we learn to let go.

However, I get chest pains lately. Mild ones. The fact that it happens only when specific incidents agitate me makes it worrying. My negative energy has evolved from emotional discomfort into physical ones and this is a bad sign.

It's like a scene from some bad korean drama where mother-in-laws pound their chest furiously after their kids pissed them off.

Today, I conclude I am allergic to selfishness. Not just any kind of selfishness since I am not a saint and have such bad habits as well. I'm refering to the kind where another would unconsciously/consciously unload their negative emotions on you when it's no fault of yours and the receiving end gets confused. Worse off, to find out only in the end that the issue does not lie with us. Sensitive soul like me, our heart breaks easily even if we have a strong front. Especially from people whom I've allowed into my circle of friendship. I can be very patient and have the tendency to think for others. This attribute would sometimes put me in a very disadvantageous position. However, if undesirable traits of others are overt, I guess the damage is less since it's 'expected of'' and I would've developed a mentality to counter this. I am prepared for it. However, undesirable traits masked under the preface of good ones that reveals its tails only occasionally and if one pays enough attention is like consuming poison that that kills slowly.